Just An Uchiha Thing
by Sanatoria
Summary: Embarrassing childhood stories tend to come back and bite you in the ass. Madara learns that the hard way, in the form of Hashirama's no-filter mouth shouting it out in front of 40,000 very entertained shinobi. Obito gets dragged into the mix. Then Kakashi. Then Naruto. Then Sasuke. It's all great fun (for the remaining 39,995 shinobi, at least). Crackfic.


**A/N: My inspiration for this crackfic was that one scene in the Ninja Storm games. If you've seen it, you'll know what I'm talking about. ;) Warning for immature humour ahead, and a bit of artistic licence with the war arc timeline.**

* * *

Naruto cheered. "Yes! Finally, we sealed the Jūbi!" He turned towards Sasuke and raised his palm, beaming. "High five, Sasuke!"

Sasuke stared at him in disgust.

From above, a slow, lazy voice spoke out. "The beast is sealed… for now, perhaps. But it should be the least of your worries."

Naruto glanced up at the cliff, clenching his fists. Right. _He_ was still there.

The Edo Tensei figure of Madara Uchiha stood up, brushing the dust off his shoulder plates. He raised an eyebrow and spread his arms out. "Well, then? Show me what your pathetic 'alliance' can do. I could use a little warm-up before I begin my fight with Hashirama."

Naruto wracked his mind, thoughts racing. How could they take down Uchiha Madara? The legendary shinobi himself? If only they had someone who had fought Madara before, and knew his weaknesses, or had maybe even beaten him in battle, or…

Madara let out a disbelieving laugh. "You Uzumakis never fail to disappoint."

Wait. Did he say that out loud?

"You idiot," Sasuke snapped. "Hashirama Senju is _right here_."

Oh! Right, right.

In one giant bound, Naruto leapt over to where the First Hokage was chatting with the Second.

"—As I was saying, brother, you can't possibly be happy that there are only two Uchiha left!"

"But I am."

"Okay, but—" Hashirama glanced over with a start. "Oh, Naruto. What's the matter?"

"Hey, Hashi! Got any tips for fighting Madara? He must have _some_ kind of weakness, right?"

Madara frowned, listening in. "Firstly, child, only _I_ may refer to Hashirama by that form of endearment. And secondly, I have no weaknesses."

Hashirama laughed. "Oh, sure you do, Madara." He turned to Naruto, tapping a finger against his chin. "Hmm, let me see…"

Madara harrumphed, his face a picture of disdain, but he waited expectantly, apparently curious despite himself.

"Well, his chakra reserves are just abysmal—"

"What?" Madara gaped, outraged. "No, they are _not!_ "

("They're really not," a poor, background shinobi whispered, remembering that two-hundred-foot wide fireball.)

"—And his healing factor isn't that great, at all, really—"

Madara scowled. "You simply have inhumanly powerful DNA compared to the rest of us."

Hashirama pursed his lips. "Ah, all these weaknesses are negated by his Edo Tensei form. Hmm… well, Madara is rather self-conscious." His eyes brightened. "Oh, maybe this will help!"

Naruto leaned forwards, eyes wide. "Yeeeesss?"

"Did you know he can't pee if you're standing behind him?" Hashirama paused, then smacked his forehead. "Oh, wait, Edo Tensei—right, never mind." He shook his head, muttering to himself.

The battlefield went quiet.

Someone coughed.

Naruto gaped. "…Eh?"

Tobirama closed his eyes. "Brother. I did not need to know that."

Hashirama glanced over. "Hmm? Know what?" He looked around, taking in the deafening silence. "…Did I say something?"

* * *

Midway through a punch, Obito froze.

Kakashi hesitated, confused. "…Obito?"

"Sorry, I need to go."

"What?"

"…I just have this feeling. Like something important has happened." Obito stepped back and slipped his kunai back into his pocket.

"But—"

Obito disappeared, leaving Kakashi alone in the Kamui dimension. Kakashi stared at the empty spot where Obito had been standing.

"…Okay," he said, into the deserted silence.

* * *

Hashirama squinted up at Madara, who was standing stock-still. "Oi, Madara! What's going o—" He paused. "Oh? I didn't know Edo Tensei bodies could mimic the flow of blood!" He cocked his head in confusion. "…Why is your face red, Madara?"

Madara exhaled. He closed his eyes. "Hashirama," he said, in a steady, measured tone, rage bubbling under the surface. "I have changed my mind; I no longer desire a warm-up. I will destroy you first."

In the distance, a nameless shinobi let out a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank fuck. We're safe. Shit, though, who would've thought that _the_ Madara Uchiha was such a pus—"

A blazing, blue Susanoo fist shot out and crushed the shinobi into a bloody pulp before he could finish the rest of his sentence. A dozen other unlucky ninja within a 30-foot radius of him suddenly found themselves sharing the same fate.

Madara didn't even twitch.

Hashirama blinked. He turned to Tobirama and leaned over. "Is it just me," he whispered, "or does Madara seem like he's in a really bad mood?"

"It's you. It's your fault," Tobirama said flatly. "Now go and indulge the Uchiha before he throws another fit."

Madara snarled, his eyes snapping open. "Senju, _you_ will be next."

Naruto suddenly let out a laugh, being a bit slow to catch on. "Wait, hold on, hold on. So you're telling me that Madara—"

His two teammates simultaneously punched him into the dirt before he could let out another word.

Minato chuckled nervously, grabbed his son, and began strategically retreating.

Hashirama scrunched up his face, oblivious to the hordes of panicked shinobi attempting to distance themselves from the oncoming god-tier brawl. "Madara, you always overreact too much. This is just like that time we were young, and you were swinging your—"

With an explosion of chakra, Madara's Perfect Susanoo activated. He growled. " _Hashirama!"_

* * *

Madara was furious. _Furious_. That was why his face was flaming red. Because of his _anger_.

He swung his Susanoo's blade, only for it to be blocked by Hashirama's wood golem. It was only a small consolation that the resulting blow managed to take out half a forest a few miles away.

Madara growled. " _Damn_ you, Hashirama!" But at least Hashirama was no longer blathering on and on about ridiculous, irrelevant, _private_ topics.

Madara was still going to tear Hashirama to shreds.

With a dramatic flourish, Madara ripped out his breastplate. Then he ripped his shirt off, a maniacal grin on his face.

Hashirama stopped. "Uh, Madara, what are you—" He stared in horror. "Is that—my face? On your _chest_?"

Madara smirked and slammed his palms together. A sea of wooden columns erupted out of the earth. "Your wood release may be powerful, Hashirama. But with your DNA in me, and these eyes of mine, _my_ wood is even more powerful than yours."

From below, Tobirama made a disgusted noise.

Madara flushed. " _Not like that,_ you _bastard,_ " he hissed. He spit a fireball out at Tobirama, only for it to be countered by a wave of water.

He clenched his jaw. No mind, he would just deal with Tobirama later. Madara turned back towards Hashirama—

—Then did a double take.

Standing behind Tobirama, and gesticulating wildly, was one of Hashirama's wood clones. And gathered around the clone was a whole

 _Crowd._

Of.

Shinobi.

"—And I could never go drinking with him, do you know why?"

A murmur of _no_ 's came from the crowd.

"He can't hold his sake at all! He's a horrible singer, too. Once, we were out celebrating the opening of Konoha's first bar, and Tobirama compared his hair to a hedgehog, so Madara set my brother's hair on fire." A pause. "And he never apologized."

The crowd laughed.

A pale, dark-haired shinobi with a drawing scroll piped up. "Is it possible that he is overcompensating for something?"

Several other shinobi muttered and nodded their heads in agreement. Someone coughed out what sounded suspiciously like "Perfect Susanoo". Was that… Was that _Obito?_

Hashirama nodded thoughtfully. "Well, from what I remember—"

"HASHIRAMA!"

Madara raised his Susanoo's sword and crashed it down on the little group below.

Only for it to be intercepted, _again_ , by Hashirama and a wood dragon.

He cursed, face red. With fury. " _Why_ do you have a wood clone? And why is it _telling stories about me?_ "

Hashirama shrugged. "Naruto asked me," he explained casually. "Everyone seems curious, anyways. What's the matter?"

"The _matter_?" Madara trembled in incoherent rage. He tried to attack the clone again, but Hashirama stopped him. _Again_.

"Madara, I thought you _wanted_ to fight me. The real me!" Hashirama dared to give _Madara_ an offended glance, all the while his golems beat Madara's Susanoo into the ground. "How could you choose a clone, over me? Am I not good enough for you?"

Meanwhile, the crowd laughed again, happy and distracted by something asinine the clone was likely saying.

Madara hated laughter. Especially when it was _at his expense_.

He hissed, and his Susanoo stomped its foot with an unholy degree of force. If it had been a normal person, this act would have been dismissed as a temper tantrum. But it was a Susanoo, so the ground cracked open and swallowed up exactly twenty-three shinobi.

The warzone suddenly fell into an awkward, embarrassed silence.

Madara's eyes flashed. "If you do not release that clone right now, I will drop down _twenty meteors_ onto this pathetic mess of an army."

Hashirama paled. "Alright, alright!" The clone disappeared with a poof.

The crowd _aww_ 'ed in disappointment.

"Geez, Madara, you're no fun." Hashirama pouted. "It's just like that time you tried to throw me into the spot in the river that you peed in."

Madara seethed. " _Hashirama—_ "

* * *

Kakashi strolled up next to Obito. "Seriously? We're not going to fight? _This_ is more important?"

"Shut up," Obito snapped. He didn't take his eyes off the two village founders who were still bickering up on their Susanoos and wood golems.

Kakashi stared at Obito, highly unimpressed with his immaturity.

"I am highly unimpressed with your immaturity."

"Dammit, I said be quiet! _You_ may have abnormally good hearing, but I don't," Obito said, curling his lip. "And you're wrong. This _is_ important."

Kakashi gave him a blank look. He squinted up at the tiny dots that were still hollering at each other.

"—always spreading baseless lies! Do not project your own insecurities onto others!"

"Well, excuse you! I'll have you know that I heard it from Hikaru Hyūga! He checked, he told me himself!"

Madara screeched. "…He _what?!_ "

In the distance, another mountain was sliced in half.

Obito raised an eyebrow. He cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted upwards. "Madara… is this true?" A smirk danced at the edge of his lips. "…Very interesting."

Madara jumped down from his Susanoo with a thud, his face still crimson. He narrowed his eyes. "Don't think I won't kill you, Obito." Angry, vicious chakra rolled off him in waves. " _Respect your elders_."

Obito crossed his arms. "The same elder who needed help with his 'lower parts' back in that cave?"

Kakashi choked. "What," he said weakly.

The two Uchiha ignored him. "That," Madara snarled, "is a complete mistranslation of my words. If you are so dismissive of those older than you, perhaps you would not mind dying an early death."

"I am simply stating facts," Obito fired back. "Such as the fascinating tidbit of information that Hashirama has shared with us all."

"Oh, yes," Hashirama piped up. He deactivated his golems with a wave of his hand. "I have it on good authority!"

Madara gave him a murderous glare. "That is not a _fact,_ and _I_ have it on better authority than any of you, you _idiots._ " His fingers twitched towards the war fan at his back.

Hashirama smiled placatingly. "Sure, Madara."

Madara growled.

* * *

Off to the side, Naruto crept up next to Hinata. "Hey, hey, Hinata," he whispered. "Is it true?"

Hinata blushed. "Uh… I'd… I'd rather not…"

" _Pleeaase_ , Hinata? C'mon, you want to know too, right?"

She hesitated. Biting her lip, she gave a tiny, jerking nod, and activated her Byakugan.

She squinted.

Her face shot up to a burning scarlet, and then she fainted.

Naruto stared. He looked around.

"Uh… Neji?"

"Don't even think about it," Neji snapped.

Sakura punched Naruto in the gut. "You _pervert_ ," she said, fuming. Her cheeks were slightly red as well.

* * *

Up in the afterlife, Jiraiya smiled. "That's my boy," he said fondly.

Eyebrows furrowed in thought, he turned to Kushina. "You think we could ask Izuna?"

He received a right hook as his answer.

* * *

Suddenly, Madara's face twisted into a smile. "Well… quite hypocritical of you to speak of such things, Obito. Do you think I never noticed you… hmph… _amusing_ yourself?"

Kakashi coughed.

The smile faded from Obito's face. "Excuse me?" He started to turn a faint shade of pink.

"I am saying that having seen you as a teenage boy, you have no room to say anything of me."

Hashirama opened his mouth.

Madara snapped his head over to the Senju and gave him the signature Uchiha look that made grown men cry.

Hashirama closed his mouth.

"Hey Obito, is that true?" Kakashi smiled brightly. "You're right; this information _is_ very important."

Obito's face was turning redder by the second. "Shut. Up."

"Ah, see, you're not denying it."

" _It's not true._ "

"Hmm, if you say so, Obito."

Obito growled.

Kakashi fished inside his pocket and plucked out a book with a bright orange cover. "Here," he said, handing it to Obito. "This might help."

Obito took once glance at the bright red R on the back, stiffened, and Kamui'd it into the void.

"That was a _porn novel_ ," he said through gritted teeth.

Kakashi shrugged. "Well, okay, if you want to read it later, that's up to you."

Obito clenched his jaw.

…He didn't say anything.

Madara eyed Kakashi with something that was almost approval. "You, Obito's old teammate—I will kill you last."

Kakashi smiled, his eyes crinkling. "Ah, thank you."

* * *

"Shit, this is boring," Suigetsu complained.

Karin smacked him upside the head. "Shut it, retard, this is _gossip_. About our _enemies_. I want to hear this."

Suigetsu's eyes went flat. "Like I said, boring." Karin ignored him.

He glanced around, and… was that… was that a mirage, or was that a group of people having a _hot pot?_

He walked over, and the fat man who was manning the stew gave him a wave. "My son and I are preparing some food. It's break time, isn't it? Ha!" The man laughed at his own unfunny joke.

Suigetsu considered the possibility this was still a mirage.

"Feel free to grab yourself a bowl while we wait for the Shodaime to return with his funny stories," the man rumbled with good cheer.

Suigetsu looked around. Next to the fire, two people in green jumpsuits were eating their meals upside down, doing handstands. Next to _them_ was a Hyūga shaking another Hyūga that seemed to be unconscious. Two girls were huddled together and watching the spat between the two Uchiha with intense focus. A few people were sleeping. There was also a blonde shouting "Rasengan!" and stirring the stew with balls of chakra, while the man Suigetsu recalled to be the Sandaime Hokage threw in mushrooms, and the Nidaime Hokage added in water.

And there was Sasuke, who gave him a curt nod from where he was sipping his own soup.

Suigetsu raised an eyebrow. "You know these guys?"

Sasuke thought for a moment. "…No."

The blonde who was stirring the soup paused. "Dammit, Sasuke," he said heatedly. "You know what? I'm going to go join Kakashi-sensei, because _none_ of you guys except Dad appreciate my Rasengan soup." He huffed. "I bet those other two Uchihas aren't as snobby as _you_."

The Yondaime stretched out his hand. "Uh, Naruto, are you sure it's safe to…"

Naruto stalked away. With a nervous laugh, the Yondaime scampered after him.

Sasuke snorted. "Hn."

Suigetsu stared around at the scene before him, and realized two things.

One, he hadn't eaten for a full day.

And two, he now had approximately zero fucks to give.

He grabbed a bowl and sat his ass down.

* * *

"—And might I remind you that you were not even able to defeat a clone with five percent of my chakra?"

Obito glared. "I was thirteen."

"A thirteen-year-old who believed children were conceived through hugs of true love."

Kakashi scratched the back of his head. "Ah, Obito, you really should read that book I just gave you." He paused as a thought struck him. "Wait. Was _Madara_ the one who gave you the sex talk?"

Obito grimaced, and his face suddenly took on a tint of green. He pointed a shaking finger at Kakashi. " _Never_ remind me of that again."

Obito turned back to Madara, and the intensity of his glare shot up to an eleven. "And I'm sure your own teenage years were so much better," he said, voice dripping with sarcasm. "Why, the Shodaime told us quite the lovely story of how you attempted to urinate on him for standing behind you while you pissed."

Hashirama shrugged apologetically at Madara's furious glare, ignoring the Susanoo fist that had just reduced his abdomen to particles of Edo Tensei dust. "Sorry, Madara. Someone has to take this poor fellow's side."

"Hey," Kakashi said. He squinted. "Obito. Didn't _you_ also hate it when people stood behind you while you peed?"

Madara raised an eyebrow.

Obito froze. "N—"

"Oh right, that's true," piped up a voice from behind.

Kakashi waved. "Hello, sensei," he said calmly.

Madara's face twisted into a smile. "Oh?" He crossed his arms. "You neglected to mention this, Obito."

Obito flushed red. "I take back my previous statement. Kakashi. You _._ Me. Kamui. _Now._ "

Kakashi glanced at him skeptically and didn't move a muscle.

"Wait, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto began, sudden realization dawning across his face. "Doesn't Sasuke also have that thing where he hates it when—"

Kakashi nodded slowly. "…Yes. Yes he does."

* * *

Off in the distance, Orochimaru nodded to himself. "Yes. Yes he does."

* * *

The impromptu hot pot party went silent at the revelation—ninety percent of the shinobi had been unashamedly eavesdropping, and the other ten percent were sleeping or passed out.

Sakura froze. Slowly, she turned around and stared at Sasuke.

His eyes were hidden by his hair, but his face was very clearly a bright red.

She sniggered.

Sasuke disappeared just as the camp exploded into laughter.

* * *

Obito snarled. "Don't ignore me, you bastard." Chakra flared around him. "I'll kill you _right here and now_."

Kakashi ignored him, sidling over to Naruto and Hashirama instead. _They_ understood.

Hashirama patted Kakashi on the back. "Don't worry, at least he hasn't flashed you his crotch yet."

Kakashi considered it. Yes, that would have been pretty unpleasant.

Madara hissed at that, grabbing his war fan and stalking forwards towards Hashirama. "My patience has reached its limits, Senju."

Naruto nodded in agreement with Hashirama. "At least you didn't have to accidentally kiss him, twice, and then pee and poop together because your hands were glued together for three days."

Minato frowned. "What."

Yes, Kakashi mused. That would have been pretty… crappy.

Rumbling from behind signified the incoming presence of the final, third Uchiha.

Hashirama whistled. "Wow, that's even worse." He shook his head. "They never change, do they?"

Kakashi sighed. "Uchihas."

Naruto and Hashirama nodded fervently, and the three of them shared a look of pure, mutual understanding.

In their self-pity, they almost forgot that they had been deeply insulting three of the strongest—and most easily offended—shinobi on the planet.

" _KAKASHI!_ "

" _NARUTOO!"_

" _HASHIRAMAAAAAAA!"_

Eyes wide, Naruto glanced at Kakashi for help.

Kakashi glanced at Hashirama for help.

Hashirama glanced around for his brother, who wasn't there.

"Fuck," Kakashi said succinctly.

* * *

 **A/N: What a happy ending for everyone. :) ...No one escaped unscathed, although Madara was definitely the most verbally eviscerated and publically humiliated. Or maybe Obito, I can't decide.**

 **A thanks to Starship Phoenix for beta-reading this ridiculous oneshot and reassuring me that I'm not the only immature person on this site.**


End file.
